The Longest 40 Days of My Life

By / January 27, 2014

I started out excitedly on day 1…  Much like the people of Israel as they left Egypt to claim the land that God promised them…  I had never fasted for 40 days before…  I was excited about many things…  I was going to discover new dimensions in God…  I was going to see His Glory like Moses did… I was going to prepare for the next level of ministry just like Jesus… I was going to step out of the wilderness in the power and anointing of Spirit just like Jesus…  Last and least of all (at least so I told myself), I was going to shed some much needed pounds as a bye-product of this 40 day journey.

Early on my journey, The Lord started to show me what He had planned for His people…  He showed me that multitudes would be empowered to heal the sick, cast out devils, and perform great signs and wonders…  This desire kept growing in me…  it became a consuming passion…  it became the thing I wanted more than anything…  I didn’t even feel desperate for healing for myself, but I felt desperate for the world to see this magnificent outpouring of God…  I became desperate to see the move of God…  Desperate to see His glory…

I know what you’re thinking…  That’s good!  That’s passion!  Oh yeah! It’s passion alright!  You can’t fault me when it comes to passion…  But I noticed something… The more desperate I became the more distant I started to feel when I went into my meeting place with God…  It was like suddenly the sweet love and passionate outpouring of affection toward my Lord was being pushed out by a sadness… An impatience… A hunger… A beckoning to God to do something now!

As the days went by on this 40 day journey, the closet was no longer the place I panted and rushed to enter…  It had become the place that I had committed to enter and I was not going to break that commitment… But where was the joy of His presence…  I set out to experience more of Him, but instead I found myself in the driest, most arid and barren dessert… A wilderness of quiet nothingness that left me bowed down before Him, with no words… Just a silent longing to return to that sweet place…  The passion for His Kingdom and His Demonstration of power was still there though…  It was still so alive… That passion could bring tears to my eyes faster than anything or anyone else… But yet, something was missing…

I soon found that the highlight of the day was the thing I had labelled last and least…  The only thrill I found was in stepping on that scale from time to time and seeing the pounds drop off…  But this was not my mission… Why did You reveal Your plan to show forth your power in millions of believers, if all it did was leave me hungry and dissatisfied…? Why Lord? 

Then, by Day 26 of the fast, I understood…  Truly I was in the wilderness, just like the people of Israel…  I had received a promise of great things, just like they did…  But there was also a mountain in my wilderness… A mountain that I had traveled around a few times…  Here I was again in a divine wilderness of 40 days.  God never told me that I was on this journey, so that He could prove me (test my faithfulness to Him)!  I WAS BEING PROVED!  He was searching my heart yet another time in my life to see if there was anything that could take me away from loving Him completely;  to see if there was anything that could captivate me and become the object of my affection and passion more than Him…  You see, at this stage of my life, it was not recreation, it was not friends… It was not my husband, it was not my child… But would you believe!?… It was the very passion for the promises of God… My desire to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven… This is what captivated my heart and stole it away from my First Love!

He sent me into the wilderness to prove me…  I failed yet another time…  There I was making another trip around the proverbial mountain that we all hate…  I wept in such disgust of myself, that I could love something more than my Lord, but when I dried my eyes, I knew what I had to do…  I had to surrender my passion… I had to surrender my desperation to see His promises fulfilled NOW…  I had to purge myself of the things that entered every fiber of my body and humbly bow at His feet and ask Him to take me back… Allow me to love You again!  Allow me to embrace You again!

Needless to say, the rest of my 40 day journey was spent drawing closer to Him…  Understanding that the promises are true and they will be manifested, but I will not wait in desperation…  I will wait in His bosom…  I will wait in restful faith…  I will wait resting in the fact that He knows all things, sees all things and is in control of the times and seasons…  Understanding that all I need to do while I wait is to love Him and worship Him and bask in all that He is…

The irony of it all is this… I ended up right where I started… Before my 40 day fast, I had found such a beautiful secret place with The Lord and that is what consumed me…  I went on this journey to find more…  But I realize now that He is “THE MORE” that I was looking for…  Everything else, as vital to the Kingdom as they are, fades in comparison…

I am thankful for those 40 days… I pray that it was my last trip around that mountain!

To be continued…

By Rev. Jacqueline Martinez
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COMMENTS
  1. Natasha Simmons
    April 8, 2014 / 10:30 AM

    So practical,yet so profound…

  2. Gwynite Forde-Guerra
    April 11, 2014 / 5:21 AM

    This tells me that the Father , Son, and Holy Sprit wants us to focus on him alone do not matter what outcome we think we want to accomplish….

  3. jade chasteau
    April 12, 2014 / 5:07 PM

    Love your passion ……

  4. Daniella Loreilhe
    April 13, 2014 / 1:47 AM

    WOW! 🙂 it is kinda funny ending up where you started lol but at the same time he rooted out that desire to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven that had captivated your heart and stole it away from your First Love…amazing! this just goes to show us AGAIN in another way that God will not allow anyone or anything to take that number 1 spot in your heart over him! hmmm even something thats to glorify him, wow!

  5. Joan Hart
    April 13, 2014 / 12:56 PM

    I have to echo Natasha’s sentiments – we all want to know more and do more yet never count the cost. Thank you Reverend for this insight and thank you for your part in restoring truth.
    Be blessed.

  6. Tamika Peters
    April 24, 2014 / 11:54 PM

    “but I will not wait in desperation… I will wait in His bosom… I will wait in restful faith”… I too fasted and got my answers. I’m very slim so didn’t need to lose a pound! After getting the answers which of course included…”Rest in me child, wait a little longer, there is fruit to bear”, my humility was not near where it needed to be and found myself submitting only in my mind and not my heart. My heart raced ahead of me. I too went around the mountain. I uttered prayers of repentance along the way, even told Him that I wasn’t ready. I am now of course starting over, with a broken heart. My one desire since childhood is to have the love of my life capture all of my heart…My Heavenly Father, my Daddy. Everyday I pray for a moment to show my love.

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