A Revelation of First Love
I didn’t see it coming.
After all, I was just having good conversation with a girlfriend of mine as she and I had done many times before. Thinking back on it now, I guess that night I was enjoying our time together even more than usual. I’d missed our regular chats as we’d lost touch due to our busy, almost-always-conflicting schedules. So, there we were, enjoying one another’s company, when I noticed that she was ready to call it a night.
I looked at the time. It wasn’t that late. We’d been out way later than that countless times before. I kept talking. She kept seeming distracted. Like there was somewhere else she needed to be…or wanted to be. My understanding of social graces dictated that I give her an out.
“I’m tired. It’s been a long day but this was great. Thanks for spending time with me,” I said, smiling graciously.
“Yes, it was great. We should definitely do this again soon,” she agreed.
Behind my smile, I was sad to bring the conversation to an end…but she seemed almost happy to. That bothered me…more than I cared to admit.
I started to clean up while she got ready to leave. She started texting on her phone, her face lighting up more and more with each successive text. We exchanged goodbyes and she walked out to her car, talking on the phone. Her facial expression and vocal inflections were a dead giveaway: she was talking to her sweetheart–her new boyfriend.
I waved goodbye as she drove off and closed my front door.
Thoughts about what just happened began to fill my mind. As much fun as we were having, there was somewhere else that my friend would rather be, someone else she was longing for, someone else she’d rather be with.
Without realizing that I was speaking out loud, I blurted out my avalanche of thoughts:
“Lord, when will it be my turn?
When will I be the one that someone else always wants to escape to?
I want to be that person for someone, Lord…where no matter who they are with, what they are doing, how much fun they are having, I’m always on their mind and they are always wanting to slip away to be with me.”
I burst into tears.
Why was this affecting me so? Clearly it should be no surprise that spending time with her boyfriend would trump spending time with me but somehow I felt hurt. I felt rejected.
Lord, I want to have someone who always wants to be with me.
Someone who, no matter what they’re doing or who they’re with is always wanting to slip away to be with me.
Someone for whom I am their first love.
Suddenly, the Lord spoke.
“Me too, my beloved. I want that too,” He said.
I began to sob uncontrollably.
I didn’t see it coming but the Lord was at work in this all along.
Do I do that to You, Lord?
Tell me I don’t do that to You!
But He didn’t have to answer. I already knew that I was guilty and I had just gotten the opportunity to experience in some small way the deep pain and rejection that He feels when being with Him is not my priority, when His presence is not the place I always want to escape to…when He is not my first love.
I felt broken. I felt the pain in His words. I want to be someone’s first love and The Lord wants to be my first love. I want to be chosen by an earthly lover. The Lord wants to be chosen by me. I want undistracted, undivided, fully devoted love and affection. He wants that from me.
All I could hear is the pleading of Jesus to His bride…the pleading of Jesus to me:
Have eyes for only Me…
I want to be your first love…
I am worthy of your wholehearted love…
Through my tears, I was reminded of the truth…
…that I do not love the Lord the way He loves me.
…that I need Him to teach me to love Him.
…and that if to know Him is to love Him, I need to spend more time with Him.
When Jesus comes again, He is coming for His Bride…who will be not only spotless but will be passionate lovers of Him. His bride will love Him wholeheartedly and will have eyes for only Him.
I don’t want the Lord to experience rejection, at my hands, because of my lovelessness and lukewarmness towards Him. No man wants for his bride a woman who loves him halfheartedly…and I want to be part of His Bride.
I want to be a great lover of Jesus. I want to be passionate, faithful, true. I want that He knows that no matter who I am with, what I’m doing, how much joy I am experiencing, I’m always just waiting for a moment to slip away to be with Him alone.
Always wanting to be where He is.
Always wanting to be in His presence.
I want Jesus to be my first love.
O, that I may know You…as I am known by You.
Give me revelation of Your beauty, Lord Jesus.
Draw me Lord and I will run after You.
Make me a passionate lover of You.